I wish you could have been at my intervention yesterday.

I thought it was just going to be another weekly meeting with my business partners to update me on where they’re at raising funds for the “Blue Like Jazz” movie. Those meetings typically run something like this:

ME: So… where are we at?
THEM: We’re really close.

But this meeting was different. There was something in the office air that day. It smelled like a trap.

ME: So… (sniffing the air, eyes darting around the room for clues)… where are we at?
THEM: You need to blog more.

I sprang for the door. Too late – it had been locked from the outside. I briefly considered doing a Jason Bourne through the window, but it was really cold outside and I was underdressed.

So I plopped back down in my chair, exhaled through my nose, then suggested (with possibly a hint of sarcasm) that IF THEY WOULD CONSIDER PERFORMING THEIR NUMBER ONE FUNCTION AND GET THIS MOVIE FUNDED, PERHAPS I’D HAVE SOMETHING TO BLOG ABOUT!!!

Like any good Interventionists, they deftly turned the tables on me. Out came an impressive array of charts, pie graphs and metrics showing how every time I post a new blog, our website traffic spikes, the project’s profile gets raised, we garner more contacts, our streets become safer, and America’s Promise is renewed for generations to come.

I attempted the Humility Defense: I’m not an expert on anything, so why should anybody care about my opinions? They countered with another round of pie graphs proving that I was, in fact, the Most Interesting Man In America. Then they read aloud a personal note from Pope Benedict XVI with words to the effect that “for Steve Taylor to deprive the public of his insights would be considered a Mortal Sin.”

ME: Can I see that note?
THEM: No.

I told them The Pope wasn’t the boss of me. Then I stuck out my tongue and threatened to start being uninteresting just to prove a point. They said they didn’t care as long as it increased traffic.

I felt naked and cornered. I started to cry – deep, heaving sobs like I’d been taught in my Sanford Meisner Acting Technique workshops.

ME: I can’t…(sob)…breathe…(sob)…in the blogosphere.
THEM: Here’s a tissue. Take the box.

to be continued…